Mar 2016

Vulnerability and Boundaries Leads to Love and Trust

Vulnerability and Boundaries

Vulnerability and Boundaries Leads to Love and Trust

Is trust a give, when meeting? I think it can be earned even when dealing with innocent and deserving people. I think being open and vulnerable, can happen from the beginning but not trust. Trust is something that can come, but not easily. This is why we have boundaries. Healthy ones will shape us and the people on the other side of them into someone we can sleep next to, if all goes well. Our bodies and our souls deserve this. Unfortunately if you were raised in an untrustworthy environment, your boundaries could be sick and your ability to understand trust quite warped. It is not a hurtful thing to another, to not trust yet. If that other person knows they are worth waiting for, they will not mind getting to know your openness and vulnerability as trust is built. Even if both come from unhealthy upbringings, boundaries will be adjusted and molded together and hopefully forgiveness a possibility while the other (either) keeps trying to become healthier.

What is healthier enough to forgive, when something seems unforgivable? If you are in touch with the Universe, were you listening when the Universe did not trust them? If not, are you listening when the Universe says they are trusting them now, because they are in
chain-reactions-of-epiphanies and every one of them is working, to reach out to you? Your love could be that important one day and could you love even then, when you once loved someone so toxic, they poisoned your ability to survive? I want to myself and I am scared. I will go on a journey to find this out. I am going to discuss my trust with my deepest desires, if my desires can be alive again. I feel them alive. Is that enough? If I fix all that left me weakness to poisonous people mimicking who I was, will I know I am immune or can I read such clues, to move towards the ones with the lovely hearts, to know?

Of course, going to a professional, religious or psychiatric, can be a relief and a great tool to help you understand what is real when you find it again. I, myself, am seeking outside of myself in many ways to find these answers. I've moved into a new environment. I've made new friends and opened to them even though I was filled with anxiety at the smallest of these meet ups. As I remembered having friends long before my last abuse, I remembered again what trust with friends is. This is building with time and I am coming out of my protective, gun-shy, shell. Now, I do not know if I can be with another love partner, but I already know I can love again. I hope my boundaries will discover if I am wrong in time, to embrace the arms of someone I thought I never could trust because they knew they were worth it to let themselves
being themselves prove it; or, let my boundaries get them their own help and their willingness to work as hard on themselves, moves me toward them.

I am not the only one who had been through tragic love and not just a heartbreak. I walk alone, letting the years add up, as I discover who I was to get in such danger and who I am now, and who I want to be. I also know I will be solid in me, before, during and after anyone. This is a wonderful understanding. I had pieces of it at times in my life but it is getting multi-dimensional in ability now. I think a little bit of jumping into oblivion can be called for now and then, but I am keeping that a little more toward my career. Which, by the way is paying off, so maybe that was what was missing all the other times I thought I had my mate, the jumping off into oblivion, for real. Too many times I thought I was taking a chance but I didn't have the right thinking processes to even know.

Now, in my life, as I learn my brain, as it recovers and I establish my roots along with wings, my taking chances are not the same. I would never take a chance with someone who showed me they were never going to be good. I would never take chances that put my soul and life in such danger. It was abuse that made me think I was just taking a chance with love. People who have made mistakes and may make mistakes with me, may be a chance I take, if they love themselves and have a personal history of working hard on being better and better in their world and not just someone who doesn't want to get caught. Watch out for
the lazy, they can be real dangerous. There is a lot of plotting in their doing nothing all the time and if they project it onto you, that will probably be your final warning, being called Lazy yourself when you and your actions know otherwise.

I love someone I've never met. That was a chance I took, to be this. He has saved my life. With his mentor’s example, I grew to be a strong person. I will continue to impress myself with my love of me for now, how about you? Whether anything will begin or has begun, it will evolve with healthy boundaries, but accepting them for what they are in each moment, will be the best answer when it is also returned as them accepting you for that moment. I can accept a person and enforce my boundaries. It is well worth learning the difference and how they can be together: healthy acceptance and healthy boundaries.


My Character, in Writing

my character in writing

My Character, in Writing

I've proven here that I am an artist and an author, and my fuel seems constant. I've fantasized about some characters for years and others an hour. It is a part of my life as a creator, despite the public opinion of daydreaming in the public education system. I am hoping such will continue to change, but on to my point. What do you do when the source of your character ends in your life?

Maybe some characters do get written or pained. I, myself have written love poems for almost two years to a source that was mine, but now that he is no longer a source, who is this character to become? Last night, the character that road with him all this time, had discovered he had passed and watched him be buried with all his witnessing friends, while the mourned, wondered who she was as she walked away. I too wonder who she is anymore.

Will I go back to be beginning and revive him in time, without such endings? This felt right for my evolving of story (and my heart), today. Will she disappear to not return to another story as she drove her antique car along the graveyard, to the exit? What if your character was beloved by many before you and tweaked him into yours and the person that played him in movies, had actually passed? Does that one still get written and take that person to immortality? I find he did in my case, before his passing, but a different tweaking into a different character, has remained at only thirty pages. Would the passing of such a great person bring those pages back, or perhaps those pages had been waiting for me to discover someone else that he is.

I've also made a good stack of scripts based on someone close to my heart once, that I had, as an actor in my mind, became he played many people to me for a couple years, along with those poems, once flooding. Now, who will be in my pages to play? I'm looking for even a made-up-anchor for my promised flood that I will become, to heal. Maybe because he was buried last night, this lovely spring day will give me ideas along the wild wind full of pollen and promise. The wind where I live, is such that I would wonder of colorful eggs laid out to be found, because they just might blow away. This wind could bring anything to me, even a house.

So, how many characters do you bring? Are there voices there, and their movements? I know the character that loved that man went somewhere and she is alive in me. Who is she now? This is exciting and perhaps another lone adventure, like those who know Jane in Jane World ( ). She is a world I've followed (not just another Jane, more) and I will take her with me anyway. She doesn't ever have to be shared but with the angels that watch over me like I am a constant movie screen. This is enough for me to write this article for you and to bring on the swirly doodles, so she is more than enough today.

(Photograph is an edited, altered photograph of me in Maria Root’s Photograph Series of me)


Free Spirit

Free Spirit

Free Spirit

Deep inside your mind, some say it is just a brain piece, is the pineal gland – The Universe inside you. What else can I say? It is just a glimpse, but it is everything. Would it be instant answers when all avenues had ended? Some try to connect with meditation, but behind your third eye, deep in the back of your head, is beyond silence, into the hum of infinity.

I was going to describe a circle that lead to infinity, but what hid inside black holes were a more powerful point. We are all there, from the roots we imagine our feet connecting to the core of the Earth, to the center of just our galaxy touching the top of our heads. Did you feel the loop with just that description? As simple as looking around and making sure your tribe is raising you where you are climbing and not cutting off your air, is a regular understanding of whether you are listening inside yourself. Even if a mistaken relation happens, is that all there is or do you have a few no matter what, getting you what you need from connecting? Start over if you must but never keep the toxic ones, never.

What if you had spirits helping you? Is it the same there? Would we also need to sort through who was there to fit our giant leaps and not pull away the ball just before we can kick it higher? If there was, I'd consider myself to be the CEO of this body and soul I've made with my life. Being this, I can make sure my company is powerful and I have the best on my side. I would think, even in the middle of my life, if I asked to give me a better group, I could. Sometimes this is an impossible scenario and never heard of, but isn't that
could heal a world if they ever could, doing the impossible?

As speculative as this is, I am sure you are asking more questions by now in my article, than you may have done for weeks. This world can heal, one meditation at a time and there is nothing wrong with giving all your thoughts a personification and teach them to run you and your world even better. Maybe it is the advantage of the artist or the writer to already know every thought can be another personality to mold into our being. We are not our thoughts’ toys, we are our own charge. We run this place we see our world from. We can do anything accept against another's will (perhaps not even a spirit’s, even if imagined). Such a powerful charge that could be.

Yes, I would think if there were spirits there, that they would love me and I would love them and it would be the most important connection of my life, because it was my life. This bond, would be important but not as important as my will. Freedom is down to my soul, and so is yours. Courage is how we maintain and claim this constant free. Do you? Perhaps this is the allure of the manifestation philosophical movement that is so popular right now, because it reminds us, we are our own gods. Am I but a meat spaceship and I am the captain inside? Who else is there helping me run me? Can life swing you into a point where a crisis causes me, or you, to bring on an entire new crew? I would think for some, it would be a must. It would be an inevitability or die.

I decided on a level many do not ever visit, that
I want to LIVE. It was like I had been in a false life that kept me in a grave until that point. I started recovering by accidentally running across a mentor and then I was moved by his drawings that he made people a bit like monster cartoons. I drew my illness into a self-portrait, after watching his brave abilities and their popularity. That was the beginning of figuring out that I am the one that can do anything. I may just be thinking of all these spirits that didn't belong around me could be making me sick and get rid of everyone until I have what was supposed to be with me. I went back all the way to my birth and every abuse between, and got rid of all the connections that had gotten me in that grave. I hired a new group of souls, so to speak, and now I'm rising with wings. Yes, I was in the darkness pretty deep to take me three years from there to almost be a person that actually possessed stamina and endurance again. No matter, we will get me there and maybe you will get you there with my little story. I hope my poems and drawings help all of you feel like you can be anything as I touch you with my art and love. This is the tribe you want surrounding you, love and flight. Remember your wings.


Magic is Only a List of Questions

magic is only a list of questions

Magic is Only a List Of Questions

When is the relief, after the relief? You know that feeling that something is solved and you have to wait long enough to see if it finally is? I've had that feeling for many years with how to communicate with my daughter. She has some learning disabilities and really didn't get the hang of asking herself questions to analyze her decisions about anything, until these last few weeks. She is ten if this is relevant. If you have a child that does not communicate well or makes poor logical decisions, this may be a possibility for you.

I have been having her fill up a notebook with five questions at a time throughout the day and before bed with question after question. The wonderful thing about journaling is the questions, and though she had been journaling for years, she barely asked any even there. This questioning is calming her because her brain has most of the answers of the questions she asks and she feels like she is gaining a magical level of control for herself.

It is a top thing that some in the autism spectrum battle with while growing up, the lack of even comprehending that a question could be asked at any given moment and wander along oblivious. I know, I battled that myself growing up but didn't notice until I looked back on it after reading some of the living with autism books out there. I've experimented to getting her to think to ask questions a lot and right down to the fact that all I do is ask her questions sometimes, it did not dawn on her to ask them herself.

I guess the mother of invention, good old
Necessity, comes into play again. I was just trying to get her to see her thought processes and choices that were hurting her and others and didn't know what else to do. I just told her to ask ten questions and write them down, and it began.

I hope you are not at the end of your ropes and maybe you can just make it a game where you also write ten
stream of thought questions, compare and discuss. When a child has been through a lot and missing an ability that would have helped them for years, when they do begin it, they may get scared or even fight you. I don't know if you taught your child to read or write (along with or instead of a teacher), but it is a similar struggle as this. So, understand the agenda, be careful, and dive in, knowing they will eventually figure it out.

From my point of view, the more the child argues it is a sign that probably, the more they don't know how to do this. So, there may be some new arguing to deal with once you start directing them through this but you will have waves of improvements and a few escalations that will eventually lead to a breakthrough. I am currently enjoying a quiet evening reading beside my daughter reading and writing notes and thoughts down. This is an evening of the longest no argument amount of time I've had with her, for years. It is just a half a day today, and I will take it. She even asks why about things spontaneously where I never would have witnessed her thinking about what was happening before, through this week. It is definitely a reward to ease my mind and her heart.