Feb 2016

Can Children Become Narcissist Proof?

Narcissist Poof

Can Children Become Narcissist Proof?

I want to know what anyone can tell me about what a narcissist or a person with borderline personality disorder, says to their child, when no one is around. How do they pass down the pain? I've been compared to many with sexual child abuse, and I know my mother was a survivor. I also know she messed me up with the things she did, and technically can be said to have never touched me. Yes, a spanking with a belt had happened, but that was in the 1970s when others got that discipline too, and didn't get the same damage. It was not that. That just didn't help. When I make a list, I can see it. Yet, inside my thoughts are shushes and convincing's that nothing wrong happened to me and it was all in my head.

She would inspect me to make sure I was wearing underwear before going out, as a teen. She didn't touch me though. She called me a slut, when I hadn't even lost my virginity. She told me I was going to get raped and it would be my fault. This, this was me as a teen, and what I can remember. What about me as a young child, unable to speak about what my emotions were? Why do I not go to those memories? Why did my sister wet the bed so much? A person we are supposed to trust, can be horrifying and look quite normal to us, that and we don't know what is happening to us, because we conviantly don’t remember. I really mean, I don't know of a thing that was said to me, but I don't remember
any story at all, as well.

If I had exposed my child to narcissistic relatives because an ex of mine seemed to have been one himself, is she struggling too? I teach her advocacy. I find things that should not happen (that have nothing to do with this questioned subject), quite disturbing as my child explains them. I also know, I am strange and survived extreme illness that she witnessed. She writes, she draws, and she finds ways to speak beyond her years. I teach her to speak up and tell on him (or anyone), is this enough to make such people stop getting in their poor little heads? To not be a victim, is it enough to not become a victim? She does tell when things aren't right, but why do such 'not-right' things happen? Are they a part of a child's views, and jerks that think they can take away all that keep them safe to just cause anxiety in both the child and the parent that is now his ex? At what point is a jerk, too much and too wrong?

I mostly asked all that line of questioning, to understand what happened to me. I am in the autistic spectrum and abused by a narcissistic parent that also had borderline personality disorder. There are not many books on how a person with autism or dyslexia sees abuse or how they experience abuse. This is why I ask, because my daughter is also in the spectrum and her father is not easy for her to handle at times. She had accomplished a lot to study what she has to make sure her voice is heard. That already is better than me. He has problems, but so far, not to the extent I witnessed from my mother; but, no one knew but my sister and me, what we were dealing with. She hid it well. So, when is an asshole, just an asshole; and when is an asshole something to be

Please don't assume anything here, but from my own experience. My girl struggles with a divorce and a father that goes to denial to (not)deal with things. He doesn't want to confront anything, so it could just be a matter of a weak person, not speaking up for her, and this hurts her that she has to do it herself. Who would that not hurt? She has come so far in being able to do that too. I teach her by advocating for her to him and teaching her to say what she needs with respect and integrity. She's pretty good at it. Now, I want to know, what gets into a child's head, when such angry people that do not love themselves, to the extreme my mother was, and vengeful of a child not being hurt enough compared to their own experiences, that they are “sneaky?” This is something I do see in him, her father: The whole, you must suffer in life attitude. No matter how I've proven this is not true and proven he denies too much to know what is best sometimes, he hangs on to this view, and pushes this view.

It could be I am only advocating where I wasn't and her list was only a small list. Is my advocating preventing a long list, or is it, there never would have been a long list and I am not sure what such would seem? So, again, my warped perspective of my childhood gets examined. I remember never being protected. I remember pain in my body, that has been proven is happening to me, but I cannot feel. At what point of pain have I endured to not feel a migraine that is going on in my body, or chronic pain so bad it had fatigued me when I was ill, but I only felt exhausted and no pain. This examination, by some would quickly say I was sexually abused but just can't remember. The thing is, that is only of the slightest maybe, my point is bigger than whether that is true. My point is, how do we prove or protect ourselves or other children, when all the abuse is mental and sneaky and brainwashingly mastering? ...Besides finding a friend of our own, that has dealt with that?

I think there are all sorts of levels of what these people do to try and “control” another human being, especially the ones that make themselves even more ill with how badly they want to control someone else. How can such be monitored? How can it be tested to bring it out? As far as I can tell, unless you write it out or discover a kindred spirit, there is nothing to help find this. These people are masters at manipulation. Are there therapists immune to this enough to find what is really true? If so, is there ever anything more than just some fodder to help the “victim” and nothing to lean on, nothing solid, only fluid like their plots. They are plotting everything. Can anyone even tell that? Is there a psych test out there to catch them at that? If so, what about the geniuses, and super geniuses, playing the whole, “I don't know anything smart” angle? Will they get found in such testing?

Is this all about why some artists (of any art) have such madness because of being raised by
genius mind-fucks? Is this what makes more of them while breaking others? Me? I think I am a survivor and I have gotten great strength from figuring out what I have, even though I cannot prove anything besides making a great story to explain it. I battle my own versions of PTSD from my last relationship, yet cannot explain anything accept that someone got in my head good until I was nothing but bed ridden. What is that? Is it real, as they want us to question reality? Is it some silent man full of grumpy views? Don't forget how easily a person you love can get into your heart and mind. What does someone only pretending to love you get access to when they get in there? This is a dangerous place that I do not want to ever go back to again. I will study and write. I will love my girl and teach her my strengths. I will probably love again after I've built these boundaries stronger, I will know them well before I ever have one date, and only because I found someone sharing themselves, not because I shared only me. I have pretty good boundaries now, that I've helped heal my friends with, but I am only looking to be authentic and find authenticity returned. So, here is another point of view in my vulnerability. Maybe I'll even blow my own mind as to my strengths, and I am thankful for that.


Child's Mirror

child's mirror

Child’s Mirror

If you are no longer with the other parent of your child, some of the hardest things you will ever do, is remind your child of how attractive that parent is. You do want to remind them of all the good qualities you can remember, even if it is in a very dry fact sort of way, because they will always see them in the mirror. You do it for them, your lovely child(ren). You can admit you have a hard time seeing it because of what you've been through, but also remind them nothing can change the fact you once wanted to be with that other person and that your child is lucky enough to have possessed that. They were born with magic and captured the best of all our ancestors when they decided to take their first breath.

Even when you have to teach your child to advocate for themselves to even handle the other parent, especially then, also remind them of the strengths they can have from both of you. Tell them: You don't have to get along or like a person you are related to, to love, and if you also don't love them, you can still have the best of that person, you use those traits the way you want to. There is nothing more painful than to have your parents torn apart from you and you think it is your fault. What child wouldn't? Of course, parents staying together when they are supposed to be apart, is worse, and thankfully that is no longer going to happen. Now, to help your child get the best out of both of you still. We don't expect the other parent to, we don't expect anything out of anyone, one more thing to teach our children. We do it, because we love our children.

I know how hard it is to look in a mirror and see the monsters that made me. That is how I view a long tortured childhood without anyone telling me or showing me the beauty there, in the inherited traits, even when monsters carried them to me. I will not allow my child to have this pain, if there is anything I can do to help her see how beautiful she is, I will do it. Maybe you had a hurtful realization after leaving your ex that will scar you for a long time. If you must struggle through this, let them know your struggles because you want to remember what they have in them that is as wonderful as you saw, the traits to take into them as your child. Perhaps if we really did have a delusion once that our mate was the best thing ever, that could have been the genetics we were ordering from a menu of dreams, that our child now carries. It is simple, yet we want to hate that we saw such things and fell for such things because we are too hard, even on ourselves. Some people are just clever in their maliciousness, and remember, your child can be clever too, but with integrity, if you teach them this. Forgive yourself for seeing the best to the point of blindness. We learn and we can teach what we have learned, without letting our children think that they are the same as our disgust of the other's abuse.

I love my girl and she has many traits of my ex. I find the painful struggle to remember the qualities he pretended to have, and that she can choose to have them, even though he was just advertising an ancestral ability he could pass along, and didn't really possess. As funny as that line is, it does not stop it from being true and it will help both you and your child to heal. Love the traits you picked out for your baby, you don't ever have to love the deliverer of such, if they did not have the strength to keep them in themselves, to keep you. Look in the mirror with your child and play a game where you cutely poke all the good things you see. They will blush. They will giggle. They will be modest and push you away, but they will never forget what you saw. They will never forget you do not see a monster, you saw their light.


Our Nature Is Challenge

Our Nature is Challenge

Our Nature Is Challenge

As I've begun to relax more into the direction I wish to be, I've been naturally allowing things to fall into place for these goals I’ve dreamed big of. This allowing is something I remember knowing how to do, but have gotten because of some suffocating blocks to this ability, and have it back again. It is not about excuses and such, I bring it up to show my notice of this great natural ability’s return. I went to visit a friend and a hawk sat on a fence post close enough I could see his pupil and a good six separate flocks of sparrows, alternating from each side of the car. Then I thought I saw a rabbit wandering along the roadside. We drove slower. It was a badger! Wow, never saw one of those before. It was even closer to us than the hawk was.

I remember nature. As many may wonder how I couldn't? Many don't even think of it. They miss even the photographs that others eyes catch. It is a dangerous place to get into, not seeing what it speaks regularly. I know it is not something some want to think about, but we are a part of the animal kingdom. No matter your busy, deep thinking mind, it will always be speaking from nature.

As I took my path to where I was going, I was nervous to go start a type of writing there (I had been wanting to do). I felt my whole world outside of my head was joining the joy of my spirit. We are, after all, experiencing separate lives as the only one in the Universe. When was the last time you felt that feeling (being the only one really here, creating it all)? Is that easier than just being an animal?

I've been wondering what the conflict outside of me is. Have you noticed yours? It is interesting, but not personal anymore. It seems to be solving itself and landing where it wasn't before, interacting with me to find me interesting. I like that feeling. My interest in the world seems to be a constant scene in a movie lately. My feelings as alive as when I was a teen and a young adult, wanting to know and feeling invincible. It is returning. Yours can too. It is not an age thing like told to you. Forgetting this is your world, is a sickness. You can heal from that.

Ancient Chinese medicine (and modern descendants of such) believe that age is just a symptom of illness and it can be healed. I most definitely believe this of my mind and soul; my body has been through much, but is evolving into this too. This is us, telling ourselves in our own reflections, what needs our love and what needs less stress. What would be an instant cure for most, from their stresses? Nature is the most to calm people, and our pets. I've recommended these types of meditations before. I think it is best to find even another way, a new way, as often as your genius will let you. Nature and the world changes as you do, as I do. We are only one inside us, watching this place form before us, if we are enjoying it enough.

Yes, technically (if spirit can be technical), spirit are never alone, but inside us, we are. We have visitors that help us, but not while using our mind. No one is in here, in you but you. Your perspective will adjust (as manifestation has been theorized and discussed) with the fun of every moment, into more fun arriving.

Even this regular article I write, became a little harder to come up with when I challenged my writing in another part of my schedule. I wouldn't change that though. I love the feeling that I could give you another story, and how can I tell you differently. Well, I'm sure even here is different to you to. So, take that as a sign on how to apply it for yourself. What is it you love to do and do regularly that you can challenge yourself in too?


Winter Spirit Lives Wild

Winter spirit lives wild

Winter Spirit Lives Wild

As I still listen to the whirling wind outside on full force, I shelter, as many, inside a warm room. I watch from the window the sideways snow, and often open the door to look at the glowing purple fringes of the gray sky. The sky that remains glowing into the late of night. The wind calling for me to lose sleep over its story. On these nights, perhaps it will be me, not sleeping as deep because magic is going on. Some sleep even deeper for the same reason. It is a closeness to the spirit of the land we feel when the season pushes us to know, for a day, or two days, that this is winter.

What will birth from such a storm? For me, this is what tingles me to witness. I will crawl out into the brightest of sun on pure white landscapes. I look for this, even when I go to linger on the edge of lucid sleep, again the wind screams. I am restless because my cocoon is to be ripped from me. I am ready to dry my wings on crisp air. I am not the spring butterfly. I am the sun inside the cave. So, when I am to burst forth, with our winter's sun. I will bring this world two.

What is your experience for the seasons? Do you have joy in your winter trek? I have my thick coat and snow pants to do my walk, even in this. I have the joy to tag the stop sign at the end of my path, before I turn back to my waiting nest. I have my girl skating her thick boots along the white ice as we walk again after the sun goes down. Maybe we'll take one day to coop up while windows shake, making cream cheese treats in the oven, but back on the trail the next day. If winter is my present moment, then so will spring. The beauty is in this fresh air and lights still lining everything.

A simple wire fence, now so packed with snow, it is a wall and wind piles the rest of the land like a desert of life waiting to melt. A trip to our favorite store to hold store's kitty. The kitty doesn't care what kept us a day, he waits for his regulars to come in and love him. In same winter, before the blizzard's beat, the hoot of an owl called for rabbits only weeks earlier. This town didn't wait for spring to break for the abundance of these rabbits to cross the streets one here, one there, in dawn, in dusk. Then there is the afternoon wait in the middle of the highway for a hundred wild Turkeys to cross. It will happen on most days, and their, one at a time, awareness that the car stopped, so lets run now, is still a joy for me. And out on the prairie, the deer with its winter horns, waited for me to do the same thing for him.

Now, here in this winter cave, I awaken in the night to tell of my love for it. She dusted her wet snow with the glitter kind, and it would be days before the sparkle will dim. What tracks will be seen before I even warm my car: rabbits...deer...kitty? They still have things to do before the sun rises. The sun I'm remembering under this hidden, less than half a moon sky, with its shell emptying with such a fuss. How many fireplaces licked the air with her? I hear the other silence of my deep sleeping daughter while all these thoughts flood to be said, before I go back to sleep. What waits in your home? What is the magic of your season? Is spring calling behind the screams of winter's last tail-end tale? Yes, the fields will green when she melts and I will watch the dead gold fade.

I am here. I was too close to death once to not hear the life in the air outside. Remember the life around you, don't wish for another season. Be in the season you are in.